Entries for October, 2007
Are you feeling lost? Is the world turning its back on you? Do you feel like you're all alone? Do you not know your purpose in life? Is there meaning to it all? Have the gods abandoned you? Do you want something, but cannot seem to move even an inch closer to it? Does it seem like you are a slave to Time?
Or are you just doing a design that nobody thinks is right? Who are you left to please? Have you heard this line before? Why have you decided to take this profession? Is it to do what you want, or what they want? Are you not satisfied? Can you overlook survival?
Is time too cruel? Are they too insensitive? Why can't they get it? Why can't you get it? Or are you just stalling? Isn't it because you really have nothing to show them in the first place? It's not because you cannot find the right lines and colors to articulate it, is it? Has your brain turned into a lump of earth that cannot give them answers? Can you not even answer your own questions?
Is it Foster? Is it Piano? Is it Hadid? Is it Tadao? Is it the Beatles? Is it Mozart? Is it Beethoven? Is it Nirvana? Is it Ocean's 13? Is it the Little Prince? Is it Alice in Wonderland? Is it a tree, or flower? Is it a mother nursing her baby?
You open your eyes. There are so many answers banging in your head. You grab a pen and frantically draw on the paper, as if you're chasing something that is at the brink of escape. You cannot afford to lose it. It is design that puts you in a battle with yourself, and drives you out of your mind. It is design that sets you free.
Baboysai reads Monster by Naoki Urasawa
Baboysai watches Prisonbreak! Heroes! House!
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. You believe it? I don't. Well, I didn't.
I've been spending almost the entire two years with my boyfriend, every single day of our waking and sleeping lives. There were small differences I could overlook because they didn't count. Boy, was I wrong.
When my sister finally left the apartment, I was all on my own. It was imperative that my boyfriend move in right away. It's really no big deal, all he needed to move in here was his PC anyway. He'd been living with me for as long as I can remember. But before this, we didn't er, officially live together. Just, together all the time. Is there a distinction? Well I guess, when one's never accepted this fact before.
When this idea dawned on me, I just thought we talk about it. Get our acts together, come to terms with each other, sign some kind of contract. We sat down on the couch, holding hands. I imagined it would be more like a yoga thing, the kind hippies do in a relationship. It wasn't anything like that. We just sat there.
"Listen, I think we should accept the fact that we're live-in partners (after two YEARS!)"
"..."
"Okay, maybe the term 'live-in' is too heavy to swallow. How about accepting that we're housemates?"
"Okay. We're housemates."
There was no contract signing involved but, you get the picture I hope. I didn't think that what grown-ups warned me about would be true. It really happened like some cartoon in front of me, so fuzzy yet vivid, the thin red line we stepped over. It was really weird that after two years of technically being housemates, it was only after we did accept the idea that trouble started coming.
"I told you to replace the toilet seat!" was just one of the many lines I got tired of saying. It's one thing to disagree, and a totally different matter when you feel like you're talking to a brick wall. It's not funny. I told myself that if I talked to my girlfriends about this, they'd totally get it. How come he couldn't?
"We just see things differently, that's all."
I let out a deep sigh. It's really not as easy as it is said. But it's not like I give up or anything. I may sound like a quitter because I don't engage in a lot of stuff, but it's actually because I tend to only go for things I think are worth working hard for.
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus? I don't think so. I think I'm from some distant planet, and the rest of you are from Earth. And I'd understand it if you thought this way too. I just went on a ride to outer space and saw the bigger picture.
Baboysai listens to Queen!
Baboysai reads Sandman
"Please prove me wrong."
These are the most fatal words I have heard yet. I am not the type to get charged up upon hearing words like these. I do not go out of my way just to prove anyone wrong. Well, in this particular case though, it seemed I had to. Because I had just been told that I cannot move on with the rest of my life without proving someone wrong.
It's sort of a joke, really. Because of this, I had stopped every running thought in my head and looked deeper. I sought my heart, and was devastated when I found it broken. Not beyond repair, but it was broken, and hurting. I had not hurt like this in a long time.
It was harder for me that I was here in Cawayanon, a place closest to my heart. The grass was green, the air fresh and cool, the leaves rustled, the flowers I could not keep count. There were no people to talk to. I could not scream, for I was not angry. I could not even utter a single word, or talk to my self. I was in shock. When I finally understood what it was that I was feeling, tears fell. A minute later, I could no longer breathe.
Eight laps in the pool, and some swallowed pool water later, ached a broken heart still. The problem with a place like this was that nothing could distract me from my depression. Not even Youtube.
I went to the mall for some therapy. Unfortunately, I only had 300 bucks on me, so I couldn't really splurge. And splurging was always my easy way out. I had exhausted myself walking around and just feeling beautiful, but it didn't do any good. I cried myself to sleep.
My parents brought me to Damilag, what for me was the best place on Earth. This was the place I practically grew up in, and it was just five minutes away from where we lived. Treating Damilag like home, I didn't suit up for anything. My mother gave me gloves and a bolo.
"Start with the weeds on that side."
I never liked surprises. It was probably fine that I did some gardening if I was told earlier, so that I could have worn more appropriate clothes. The insects were feasting on me, my feet were scratched, my hair all around the place. I was annoyed. I pulled the weeds without care or mercy. I needed to get this done, so I worked on it, fast. All I could think of was looking for the weeds and pulling or digging them out.
I had wondered why old people liked gardening so much. For the first time since my heartache, it stopped hurting. If only life were this simple.
Baboysai listens to nothing.
Baboysai reads nothing.
Baboysai watches nothing.
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