Entries for July, 2006
Agnes Sison:
Di ko alam kung anong dapat kong maramdaman. Naging manhid siguro dahil sa mga salitang patuloy mo pa ring binibigkas. Alam mo tama ka, hanggang ngayon di pa rin ako nakakalet go. Nandito pa rin ang lahat ng hinanakit sa puso ko. Pero pinili ko yun. Pinili kong makasama ka Nes. Equivalent trade ika nga. Pero ok lang. Ano ba namang di ko makalimutan ang lahat nang yun at mag move on? Ano ba namang sumakit ang dibdib ko pag naaalala ko ang dating AF? Ano ba naman na makarinig pa ko ang mga opinion nila? Kala mo mahina ako pero sa araw araw na ginawa ng Diyos, sa bawat kwento mo, kinakaya ko para lang makasama ka. Peksman pinipilit kong mag move on pero pasensya na minsan nag iisnap talaga ako gaya ng kahapon. Wag mo sana mamasamain ang mga sinulat ko. Di kita sinisisi ata wala akong sinisisi. Choice ko to.
Oo nga baliw ako. Baliw ako dahil ito ang pinili kong daan. Pero di ako nagsisisi baby. Bring it on! kaya ko pa. Masarap maging baliw.
Salamat.
Nagmamahal,
Ang bitter at baliw
I don't know if this is the first time I've felt it, but it definitely doesn't feel good. Uninspiration.
It must go with the rain. As the rain pours it becomes harder for me to move. Makes one so... lethargic.
What more is there? But then again, there are so many things in life to share. The feeling of holding the one you love tightly, the laughter, the richness of culture you experience everyday, the new people you want to know, and the old friends you want to see again.
What am I saying? Did I just surrender? Did I just give up?
It's the same thing again is it? Conclusions about life, and promising to do better. Why can't I just do my best?
Here's a picture of how I think things through: "Things like accidents or outrageous breakthroughs are too extraordinary to happen in my life." Believe it or not, I do think this way. And just to remind myself, I was one of those people who detested mediocrity. Ha. Hypocrite? No. More of like, a change in principle.
For the better or for the worse? I think this can be answered with the cliche question, what do I really want to do with my life?
How about, switching from that to, how do I make my life worth it?
Maybe I just need a challenge. And the greatest obstacle is my own self. My own way of thinking, my own laziness, my own contentment. Should we not be content with the life we have? Should we have something we want? And if I don't have dreams, what would happen to me?
Death, I guess. They say we have no choice but to keep on living.
I think I should just...
...do it.
Tell me you don't want to read this.
"I thought I'd be alright without him, but it just hurts. It even hurts just to hear his name, like my chest is stabbed again and again. I want to be with him."
"I was being selfish, only thinking of myself. I completely ignored your feelings. I'm sorry I let you cry. I'm sorry I hurt you."
"I want us to be together. I hate not being with you!...because I love you."
"Does that mean being with you is okay? Is it okay to hold hands with you?"
"We've already held hands. Tens of times. Hundreds of times. Thousands of times. Is it okay to hug you though?"
"Didn't you know? That I love you very much? So much, I just can't beat it."
Fruits Basket by Takaya Natsuki. Tell me you don't want to read this.
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