Entries for August, 2005
August 3, 2005 @ 06:24 AM
Connection
Posted by baboysai
anyhoo! After 10 years of having a bad connection! I finally figured it out... and so...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I have wasted enough, spent enough, and felt enough to reach the point where one asks herself "what am I doing?" or "where am I leading myself?" instead of just "where is my life leading me?". I have come to the point where my resources are out, the patience of the people around me are waning, I'm fading from the bond my family has created, that I can feel the turn I'm driving at. This turn may theoretically be a turn that's driven to by everybody at some point in their lives, and I'm assuming that I'm at the average age where people start to turn...
I am headed the other way. But hopefully I've realized this before I have made the full twist of wheels. Hopefully I could say later in my life that I snapped out of it while the damage was repairable still.. So I'm saying it now, that I must snap out of this utopian dream, and wake up to the harsh realities of the third world, a world so different from the one I survive in.
Survival might have been mocked because my attitude towards life- that somehow felt like I'm not trying to survive at all, merely at the state of existence, and not making a contribution to society. That ever since I was old enough to remember, I knew well enough that we were all spoiled by my father, and that I used this to my advantage. The money he earns, I spend guiltlessly, and might I add, unwisely at most times. That I get what I want, not really those that I need...
For I need nothing.
Now that I really think about material goods I could be provided immediately by money, money, money...
I am so
depressed. I'm a mess. Maybe it's just hormonal (a suggestion that came to mind after talking to a self-announced clinically depressed person)? But I'm just halfway back into my cycle.
Apart from losing my phone, all throughout the course of the day I just felt... bothered. Guilty
. Stupid 
. Low 
.
I need to focus. And live within my means. Someone I'd refer to as the Doctor said I need to forgive myself. Hmmm. I indulge without any pressing reward, and not seem to do any penitence and punishment for being so low, I do think that I don't encourage myself at all. Is that what he meant?
That I don't open up to my family, the things they need to know. That they might not know me at all...
That I don't know the real me. That I do the things I do first thinking if people should care. Does he mean that I am too fickle and can't say no to anybody including myself? Though I pretty much do what I want to do and that's why? Or is it that the me I have accepted is what others perceive me as? (I really don't get it. Since I am a very what-I-want kind of person...)
People are so fed up with me, and I'm scared that they can't put up with it anymore and that they'd just give up one day and leave me. Loneliness sucks. '
'
The Doctor said that there is something that others can't seem to appreciate but I do. And so I get hurt. And I just can't stop it. Sometimes I don't know what to do but keep on hurting...
I have to prove myself. The Doctor said I expect too much from myself. But shouldn't we all? I guess that's not the same as encouragement. I think because of expecting too much that I don't forgive myself when I can't seem to reach it...
There's three, count them three children playing on the beach. They were eager to learn, to be taught, and to teach.
There's Veronica. She's biting her lip as she watches the waves turn white at the tip.
And there's Veda, radiating with joy. Luckily she still can't stand the sight of a boy.
And lastly there's Dave. His hair dances in the wind. And he's wondering what love is and why it has to end. And he can't understand how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends.
His mother whispers quietly... "Heaven's not a place that you go when you die. It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive. So live for the moment and take this advice, live by every word. Love is just a hoax so forget everything that you have heard, and live for the moment now."
----------------------------------------
And there's three, count them three childrean growing on the beach. They were eager to learn, to be taught, and to teach.
There's Veronica. She's licking her lips as she waits for her real first passionate kiss.
And there's Veda who can't admit her jealousy of her sister Veronica, and how she's so pretty.
And lastly there's Dave, still sitting on the dock. He ponders his life, and he skips his rocks. And he wonders when his father will return but he's not coming back. And he can't understand how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends.
His mother whispers quietly... "Heaven's not a place that you go when you die. It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive. So live for the moment and take this advice, live by every word. Love is just a hoax so forget everything that you have heard, and live for the moment now."
-----------------------------------------
And there's three, count them three children missing from the beach. They were eager to learn, to be taught, and to teach.
But the sad thing is that they never lived passed the age of fifteen due to neglect from their mother who was bed-ridden by her ex-lover, their father. And she didn't even notice, or pay much attention as the tide came in and swept her three into the ocean. Now all her advice, it seems useless.
No, heaven's not a place that you go when you die. It's that moment in life that you touch her and you feel alive. So live for the moment and take this avice, live by every word. Love's completely real so forget everything that you have heard. So live for the moment now...
story by the spill canvass
Ah yes... a trojan indeed. The backdoor fiends that prey upon my disk like hell, driving it to madness, until it doesn't know what to do, until it is confused. And I am sick and tired of Trojans! Arrrr!
I have reformatted my pc for the nth time, and it's now brandspanking new. Of course with all the installations I have to follow up on, it's a tedious job.
To think you've customized it for over a year and then everything just goes *poof* 
and (they became koko krunch?) you start all over again.
Ah the things you do for love.
I love my pc. His name is Bert, by the way. And so for a few more friggin days I'll be pimpin' it up till I get it the way I like it, then I can start using it with love.
Till then, adios amigos!
anyhoo! After 10 years of having a bad connection! I finally figured it out... and so...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
August 3, 2005 @ 07:05 AM
It's driven me before
Posted by baboysai under Baboysai's Works
I have wasted enough, spent enough, and felt enough to reach the point where one asks herself "what am I doing?" or "where am I leading myself?" instead of just "where is my life leading me?". I have come to the point where my resources are out, the patience of the people around me are waning, I'm fading from the bond my family has created, that I can feel the turn I'm driving at. This turn may theoretically be a turn that's driven to by everybody at some point in their lives, and I'm assuming that I'm at the average age where people start to turn...
I am headed the other way. But hopefully I've realized this before I have made the full twist of wheels. Hopefully I could say later in my life that I snapped out of it while the damage was repairable still.. So I'm saying it now, that I must snap out of this utopian dream, and wake up to the harsh realities of the third world, a world so different from the one I survive in.
Survival might have been mocked because my attitude towards life- that somehow felt like I'm not trying to survive at all, merely at the state of existence, and not making a contribution to society. That ever since I was old enough to remember, I knew well enough that we were all spoiled by my father, and that I used this to my advantage. The money he earns, I spend guiltlessly, and might I add, unwisely at most times. That I get what I want, not really those that I need...
For I need nothing.
Now that I really think about material goods I could be provided immediately by money, money, money...
THE END. Baboysai is sick.
August 3, 2005 @ 07:25 AM
Reflections...
Posted by baboysai under Baboysai's Works
I am so
depressed. I'm a mess. Maybe it's just hormonal (a suggestion that came to mind after talking to a self-announced clinically depressed person)? But I'm just halfway back into my cycle.Apart from losing my phone, all throughout the course of the day I just felt... bothered. Guilty
. Stupid . Low .I need to focus. And live within my means. Someone I'd refer to as the Doctor said I need to forgive myself. Hmmm. I indulge without any pressing reward, and not seem to do any penitence and punishment for being so low, I do think that I don't encourage myself at all. Is that what he meant?
That I don't open up to my family, the things they need to know. That they might not know me at all...
That I don't know the real me. That I do the things I do first thinking if people should care. Does he mean that I am too fickle and can't say no to anybody including myself? Though I pretty much do what I want to do and that's why? Or is it that the me I have accepted is what others perceive me as? (I really don't get it. Since I am a very what-I-want kind of person...)
People are so fed up with me, and I'm scared that they can't put up with it anymore and that they'd just give up one day and leave me. Loneliness sucks. '
'The Doctor said that there is something that others can't seem to appreciate but I do. And so I get hurt. And I just can't stop it. Sometimes I don't know what to do but keep on hurting...
I have to prove myself. The Doctor said I expect too much from myself. But shouldn't we all? I guess that's not the same as encouragement. I think because of expecting too much that I don't forgive myself when I can't seem to reach it...
Baboysai listens to enya...
THE END. Baboysai is sad
August 17, 2005 @ 09:08 AM
The Tide
Posted by baboysai under Baboysai's Reviews
There's three, count them three children playing on the beach. They were eager to learn, to be taught, and to teach.
There's Veronica. She's biting her lip as she watches the waves turn white at the tip.
And there's Veda, radiating with joy. Luckily she still can't stand the sight of a boy.
And lastly there's Dave. His hair dances in the wind. And he's wondering what love is and why it has to end. And he can't understand how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends.
His mother whispers quietly... "Heaven's not a place that you go when you die. It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive. So live for the moment and take this advice, live by every word. Love is just a hoax so forget everything that you have heard, and live for the moment now."
----------------------------------------
And there's three, count them three childrean growing on the beach. They were eager to learn, to be taught, and to teach.
There's Veronica. She's licking her lips as she waits for her real first passionate kiss.
And there's Veda who can't admit her jealousy of her sister Veronica, and how she's so pretty.
And lastly there's Dave, still sitting on the dock. He ponders his life, and he skips his rocks. And he wonders when his father will return but he's not coming back. And he can't understand how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends.
His mother whispers quietly... "Heaven's not a place that you go when you die. It's that moment in life when you actually feel alive. So live for the moment and take this advice, live by every word. Love is just a hoax so forget everything that you have heard, and live for the moment now."
-----------------------------------------
And there's three, count them three children missing from the beach. They were eager to learn, to be taught, and to teach.
But the sad thing is that they never lived passed the age of fifteen due to neglect from their mother who was bed-ridden by her ex-lover, their father. And she didn't even notice, or pay much attention as the tide came in and swept her three into the ocean. Now all her advice, it seems useless.
No, heaven's not a place that you go when you die. It's that moment in life that you touch her and you feel alive. So live for the moment and take this avice, live by every word. Love's completely real so forget everything that you have heard. So live for the moment now...
story by the spill canvass
Baboysai listens to The spill canvass
THE END. Baboysai is content
August 29, 2005 @ 07:13 AM
The Trojan
Posted by baboysai under Baboysai's Days
Ah yes... a trojan indeed. The backdoor fiends that prey upon my disk like hell, driving it to madness, until it doesn't know what to do, until it is confused. And I am sick and tired of Trojans! Arrrr!
I have reformatted my pc for the nth time, and it's now brandspanking new. Of course with all the installations I have to follow up on, it's a tedious job.
To think you've customized it for over a year and then everything just goes *poof* and (they became koko krunch?) you start all over again. Ah the things you do for love.
I love my pc. His name is Bert, by the way. And so for a few more friggin days I'll be pimpin' it up till I get it the way I like it, then I can start using it with love. Till then, adios amigos!
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