Posted by baboysai under Baboysai's Days

I'm finding it harder and harder to let go.

It's getting worse.

I curse the sun for shining too early.

No, I curse that daylight should come.

Let it be night a little longer…

That I could hold you more.

Let the night be colder,

That we could share our warmth.

Your scent does not calm me.

As if my cells are jolted at a split second,

And my blood dies.

All thoughts leave my head.

No dreams fill me.

I am distracted enough of your presence

That though I hold you in my arms

And my palms are flat against your back,

I’m still missing you.

And yet my back longs to be pressed against you,

My ears crave that you whisper,

My scalp wants your massage.

That every other part of my body is jealous

Because they can’t hold you near.

But still this is bliss

That you bring them to confusion.

So let the sun not shine.

Though you disturb me, it’s welcome.

Let the darkness wrap the world

That you might stay.

Nobody cares.

At 18, I realize for the first time that my life is just like any other life. All these years I thought I had a life unordinary enough to be written and put to the silver screen. I thought it was something I could write about and become a best-seller or something sensational much like J.D. Salinger�s Catcher in the Rye. I thought it would look great as a teen-age TV series like Dawson�s Creek. Or funny enough to be a sit-com on Star World. Or colorful enough to be an anime production. None of these would really happen. And if any would be really possible for me to achieve, just now I realize it�s not worth it. That after all these dreams about my life, it would just be a story I�d end up not even telling my grandchildren. And it bugs the hell out of me.

I don�t know why I thought my life was so great. There were a lot of wild turns, but I now realize that wild turns happen to anybody, just in different directions. So why would they care to know about how mine turned out? There were a lot of ups and downs about the beautiful people I was infatuated with. I bet my grandmother had more of those than I did. I realized it doesn�t matter now.

I used to think my love life was so pathetic that I should write a book about it one day and it would grip readers like Erich Segal�s Love Story. Just recently I lived the day understanding that infatuations start and end just like anything else. When somebody told me I had a cute smile after I dumped another guy out of my mind, I laughed and understood that life just starts all over again just when I thought it had ended.

That everything is sweet. The present day I lived crying a few months back is now a sweet memory. The present day I lived thinking I loved somebody a year ago can now only make me smile. A few days earlier and it would have made me cry. But at 18, and looking back at the things I cried at or pained myself with before, I can now only smile at them. In wanting to erase a person who hurt me, I burnt all his letters. A friend told me I did the wrong thing, because I should have saved the letters to read them all over again one day and just laugh. So I took some of the ashes and stuck them in a notebook. Memories live for sweetness� sake, and nothing else. Other than that and it wouldn�t be a memory, but a trauma, or some other psychological weirdness.

It must sound funny. That at only 18, I am attempting to conclude something out of this big and much debated phenomenon called life. I told myself three years ago that I wouldn�t want to turn out someday saying �erase and rewind�, that I�d wish to go back and do things I should have done back then. I told myself then that I�d live my life such that I wouldn�t want to do it all over again. And now I tell myself the same thing. That three years ago and then now, I have lived my life for the moment, and will continue living it for the moment. Life goes on, and one can never really erase and rewind anyway. We may have a break and slow down, but we can�t reverse, not even pull a U-turn in the road of life. No matter how everyone looks at it, life goes on, and we can never really do anything to stop it.